Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We need a shit load of segways right now
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
