I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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