He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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