If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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