you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize