You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
