My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
