a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
