I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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