ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You're like the curious george of whores
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
we're so committed to being not committed
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
