is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
