I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize