is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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