when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize