The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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