I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
