you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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