Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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