Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
