Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
