Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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