Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
