I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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