he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
