Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My boob is missing a layer of skin
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
