insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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