I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize