mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
