Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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