"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
