toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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