OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize