Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
