Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Two words: blizzard sex
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
