i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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