Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
