the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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