You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
