question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
