Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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