I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Still dying that you shit outside
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
