Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
