I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
