I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
