Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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