Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
