im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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