I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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