i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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