I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
