in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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