I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize