Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
