Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
