if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize