there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We left an ass print on the piano.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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