That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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