you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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