The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
