Don't you send me to vm
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
