Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
