Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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