you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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