woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
